"It's so hard to forget pain, but it's even harder to remember sweetness. We have no scar to show for happiness. We learn so little from peace."- Chuck Palhniuk 

Because that quote rings so true, I decided I needed to create my own marker for an overall amazing year; one of happiness, laughter, and new beginnings. 

 

Being in school makes celebrating the traditional new year hard because to me, August marks the end of one year and the beginning of the next. So, in the interest of entertaining my idea of a "year", I'll write about my year in Oregon; one that is rapidly coming to an end.

 One year ago, I was packing up my life, saying goodbye to dear friends, and frightfully awaiting the changes that would inevitably occur. In a way, I was transforming into someone completely new. Shedding old skin and blindly creating anew. Left with no one to comfort me but myself, this city girl moved to the country side. Although very relaxed and calm, living in such an incredibly small town made me feel uncomfortably claustrophobic. I felt trapped and panicked. And interestingly, it felt very reminiscent of my childhood (although I'm still not sure why). Regardless, I pushed on. Had to learn to deal with feeling uneasy and had to actually become independent in all areas of my life. Although I missed out on a lot of social opportunities and initial relationship building with classmates, I learned some valuable lessons about who I am, what I need, and how to push my own limits. Since then, I have moved to Portland; probably one of America's best kept secrets. I developed some amazing best friends, ate some richly delicious food, laughed many laughs, and searched my soul til it felt nearly impossible to search any more. Living here has made me understand what it means to actually live. And that feeling, that feeling that can make you smile for no reason, is everything. And one I never want to forget. Consider this my daily reminder that there's always more growing to do. More love to be had. More people to meet. 

My very own, happiness scar.

Spilt milk

"The lesson is forcibly taught by these observations that our life might be easier and simpler then we make it; that the world might be a happier place than it is; that there is no need of struggles, convulsions, and despairs, of the wringing of hands and gnashing of teeth; that we miscreate our own evils."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson-

Welp this pretty much sums up how I'm feeling today and everyday. There's a reason good ol' Ralph got paid the big bucks. 

On spirituality. And other things.

"Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death."

Today, I feel absolutely inspired. I have never felt so confident and comfortable just being myself. And since that is such a rare phenomenon, I felt like I should write about it. 

It has been downpouring all day. But somehow, it has been the most refreshing thing ever. I never really considered myself to be a very "spiritual" person. I have tried to get in line with the ideas. I have tried to really take them in and accept them but something really blocks me from totally doing that. Like the other day for instance, I attended a yoga class that was "Zin" focused. It was the first of it's kind that I had ever gone to. Well, for those of you who have not attended such a thing, it's really comprised of about six postures (give or take a few) and the point of it is to sit for 3-5 minutes in each posture and really achieve this mental serenity. As Americans, we are so driven by the phrase, "don't just sit there, DO something!" but this class focuses on "don't just do something, sit there." Which is a nice exchange for me. So anyway, I'm sitting in this class and actually really absorbing the energy and quieting my mind. The issue I had with it began once the instructor started chanting and singing and passed out little pre-typed lyrics to this chant, encouraging everyone to chant along. Now, don't get me wrong, if I were to go to a Buddhist country and attend a class or spiritual engagement of sorts and they began chanting and singing, I would probably be overwhelmed with emotionality, spirituality, and an immense sense of satisfaction. But something about a white dude doing this in the middle of Portland makes it feel so disingenuous. So fake. So forced. So, needless to say, it felt tacky and I felt very disenchanted by the whole thing. So anyway, that is just an example of how sometimes, I feel very non-spiritual. Or, maybe that makes me more spiritual. Being genuine, honest,and purposeful in a candid way is probably much more "spiritual" and in touch with the world than rambling off some chant that no one actually understands with a bunch of people you don't actually know could ever be. Just saying. 

To bring that tangential rant back home, there I was, walking my dog in a monsoon. Maybe some people would be completely turned off by getting soaked and consequently decide that today, they should just stay inside. I, on the other hand, have never felt so refreshed, renewed, energized, calmed, relaxed, and inspired as I did today. And in those moments, I felt very spiritual. In the only sense and way that I understand such a concept. And it coincided quite nicely with a rather long conversation about life and dreams I had earlier with a best friend from home. Which leads me into another idea that I sort of touched on earlier. My friend, who has passions and dreams that don't line up well with societal pressures and acceptances, struggles often with deciding whether or not following her dreams is worth the struggle and heartache that can sometimes trail along. And today, I say, of course it's worth it. It is only when you are confronted by challenge and adversity that you actually see your true potential and growth. Without such things, we would become stagnant, boring, useless. After all, everyone needs a story to tell. Might as well make yours interesting.

Everybody hurts.... sometimes....

"Sometimes you're flush and sometimes you're bust, and when you're up, it's never as good as it seems, and when you're down, you never think you'll be up again, but life goes on." 

I realized I have been quite absent on here for, oh say, almost 2 months. I guess you could say I have been doing a lot of soul searching. Or at least me-searching. I have been floating through my summer term. Hardly engaged at all in the work. I'd like to think that I have been taking a break from theoretical ideas and have focused in on a real-life exploration of what it means to be human.

I made a few new friends. Some of whom have not been the best influence on me per se but I enjoy their company anyway. Each one of them has taught me something about myself or about life. And to me, that is invaluable.

I guess my point that I really want to make is that I have come to the realization that EVERYONE hurts. Everyone is in some sort of pain. Everyone faces demons from their past that they have not--and maybe cannot-- get over. And with this, I realized that nothing is ever as it seems. As a pessimist and someone who struggles with insecurities and a rather unusual amount of "down" days, I feel that both of these points are very important to keep in mind. I'll give you some examples.

I have been spending more time at the bar, falling into "that" lifestyle. Seeing the same people. Doing the same things. The other night, I was sitting at the bar at last call and I sat next to an older gentleman who was clearly inebriated. And he turned to me and said with sad eyes, "Will you come home with me?" And before I could give him some snotty remark, he continued and said,  "I promise I am not hitting on you. I just don't want to be alone. I just want to be with people. It's so sad always being alone." And it made me very sad for him. (Of course I did not go home with the man if any of you are concerned) but it pulled at my heart strings and reinforced the idea that clearly, as humans, we are hard wired to want to be with people. We NEED that interaction. I have always considered myself a homebody and the last few months, I have been anything but. Probably because I don't like being alone anymore than the next person.

Next example. I have a newly acquired friend who was born and raised in South America until middle childhood, at which point his parents uprooted and moved him to the US. As a side note, he looks, acts, and talks like a very generic white American, so I found his story to be intriguing for the simple fact that like everyone, the meat of what makes him, him is far deeper than the eye can see. That being said, until recently I considered him to be a pretty happy person (although, in my defense, I probably was not as aware of the amount of drugs and drinking he does on a regular basis). The other night, we were hanging out and I told him how much I appreciated being his friend. Which must have triggered something in him because he then began telling me how hard it has been to grow up in a whole different country, in the midst of a whole new culture, ripped apart from a life he once knew, struggling to find a balance between the two worlds he lives in. It was clear to me how much this man is still affected by this life change 20 years later as tears welled up in his eyes. This topic is something I will probably never relate to. I can only imagine the inner conflict he feels. The topics of acculturation and assimilation have never been particularly interesting or relevant issues to me until now. So in the interest of not turning this entry into a novel, I'll say my friend reminded me of two things: 1.) People are never as they seem and 2.) the longer you deny and suppress your feelings, the bigger they become.

Last example. Portland is full of homeless people. If you hang around long enough, you start to see the same ones. Telling people the same stories. Spitting the same lines. Lately, as an attempt to develop myself into a better person, I have been trying to make contact with them. Talk to them. Get a little piece of their story. So, one day I was sitting at a table and one of them came up to me. Asking for money. Instead, I gave him a paper flower and told him to give it to a pretty lady. Well he petted the flower for a while. Twisted it up to make it "look better" and began talking about his grandchildren. He told me their names and ages. He said that they are the most beautiful people he's ever seen. I asked him if he ever spends time with them to which he replied, "No. I don't ever want them to see how ugly this life can be." And he stared at me with the saddest, most piercing blue eyes I have ever seen. And again, it pulled at my heart strings. I know that things happen for a reason and some argue that people choose to live their life a certain way. But no one would ever choose to hurt like that.

I have several other stories about people that I could share but in the interest of time, I won't ramble on. I will say that too often, all of these people I mentioned are brushed off, shut down, made fun of, and even completely ignored. These fellow humans have histories, families, emotions, and pain like every one else and at times, are hardly given a second glance. So long story short (or rather long I suppose), in life, pain is natural. It sounds so cliche but how would you ever know what true joy and happiness is in the absence of hurt and pain? The key difference however, is the subjective view of the pain. That is when pain can become suffering. And suffering, my friends, is not inevitable. I wish I could take away all the suffering in the world but because I can't, it's better if that suffering does not happen in vain. Instead, acknowledge that you are not alone in your experience. Ever. Learn from others' mistakes and their tribulations. And the next time you think you know someone or something, look again. You probably have much more to see.