Well. Another one bites the dust. I was informed today that one of my fellow students (one I truly admire and like very much) dropped out of the program. It saddened me, but also reinforced me. I am here for a reason.Whether it be my audacious personality, charming good looks, high intellectual ability, OR just luck of the draw (haha, I believe the latter to be most probable), I am still around, whereas four others are not. I suspect the "weeding out" if you will, will only continue over the course of the next year. That which does not kill you, only makes you stronger. 

So I've been reading this book about psychoanalytic psychotherapy (my realm of understanding and relating to others), and a particular passage spoke to me, and more specifically, my areas needing improvement.  And I quote "...intellectual passivity, opinionated reductionism, emotional distancing, objectification and apathy, personal isolation and social anomie, and existential dread..." have often been described as the characteristics that lead to "estranging and deadening aspects of contemporary life" (McWilliams, 2004). I was a bit discouraged when I realized all of those apply to me in one way or another. I have been more than intellectually passive in my schooling; merely doing the bare minimum up til this point. I have always been distant emotionally to a quite self-defeating level and likewise, have always been somewhat distant socially. Lastly, I clearly wrote about my existential dread in one of my previous blogs. Sheesh. Glad I could make my rounds! But, I suppose being aware of these deficits can only benefit me. I am currently taking a Personality Assessment class which I am actually really excited about (and that's when you know you have reached ultimate geek level). I find personality to be a fascinating topic and disordered personality and pervasive patterns of irrational thinking to be even more interesting. So I can't wait to get my head wrapped around all of that. Not to mention, I get to take the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory (MMPI) and all 567 questions that entails, and then interpret my own results. Maybe then, I can finally gain more insight into why I am the way I am. Afterall, "in order to find the patient, we must look for him within ourselves." (Bollas, 1987)

I had another self-diagnosed "retinal migraine" today. I blame the Little Debbie's cupcake I chowed down after dinner. Anyhow, those suck. 

Being that I am not a religious person by any means, I hate to use the word "blessed". But, I can't seem to find another, more encompassing word for how I feel. I mean, let's be real. I have a great apartment, a great boyfriend, great friends, a fat dog and cat, a lovely (albeit crazy) family, the ability and capacity to think and act intelligently, AND the ability to recognize and be grateful for all that I have. One of the biggest tragedies I have come to see this past year is when people are immensely wealthy in all areas but their mind and soul. But I suppose ignorance is bliss.

Farty Cologne and the Beauty of Life....

I can't say that I have much to say today. Well, anything important that is. But the thing about writing is that once you start, it's pretty hard to stop. I find myself constantly walking around Portland, conjuring up ideas and lines that seem blog-appropriate. So maybe today, I'll just share some of these thoughts. 

The first being one of disdain. I have to admit, if there is one thing I cannot stand, it is the smell of farty cologne. You know what I'm talking about. Some guy walks past you and you sniff long enough to singe your nose hairs with that $2 cologne he picked up in the dollar store. (What a deal!). In combination with this cheap cologne, there is an after taste (yes, it does seem as though you can taste it) of a lingering fart. Disgusting. Anyway, I was reminded of this pet peeve of mine while I was sitting on the MAX, heading to school. A business man gets on and chooses the seat next to me. He sits down and BAM. Farty cologne. So consequently, you're forced to hold your breath for as long as you can until dude decides you've suffered enough. End rant. 

The next thing I thought of today was how often we ignore the simple pleasures of life. I was reminded of this link: https://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/notes/soulspring-empowerment-groups-for-women/perception/490185142959 

I was walking my dog in Couch Park (pronounced like Cooch for those of you who are not familiar... "What a nice COOCH you have! where did you get that fancy COOCH?? Ikea??" Ha, and I digress. My apologies.) Anyway, there I am, walking my dog in the park and I hear a man playing a flute. What caused me to remember that lovely post --about how often we oversee beautiful things in life because we are merely too obsessed with staying in our head all the time-- was that no one was really paying him any attention. Then, there was the dog. This big black lab slowly starts walking up to the man, as if he were enchanted. And he sits. And then he slowly creeps forward. And then sits again. Curiously absorbing the notes. It was as if he was noticing a beautiful melody that no one else could hear. It was fascinating to me. And so it seems to hold true; only children and animals in this world can spare a brief moment to truly enjoy what life gives: beauty.

When I asked you what love was, you said it’s the refreshing annoyance of sprinkling rain. An itch between your shoulder blades. The way pepper can make you sneeze. It’s the deep laugh that comes from the inner workings of your belly. Like the smell of fresh ground coffee beans. The lingering warmth on your side of the bed after you’ve left. And the faded trace of you on my pillow.

Love is the monotony of gray. When you catch a smile you weren’t supposed to. The raspy smell of cigarette smoke. The soft tickle as your fingers dance on my skin. A reflection of the earth in water. And how sometimes, if you look close enough, it’s more perfect and beautiful than you ever thought.

It’s a velvety patchwork that you can’t help but finger. The way oil and water blend by not blending at all. It’s the way the sea meets the shore…Gracefully kissing each grain of sand. It’s a delicate balancing act. Like breaking wires or stringing eggshells.  Of learning to breathe in oceans and laugh in flowers. It’s intangible and yet you feel it stronger than anything you can touch.

It just is.

When life gives you lemons...

"Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." -Howard Thurman

Sometimes I wonder if other people think as much as I do. Not in an asshole kind of way. Just curious. I feel like I spend a great deal of time just... thinking. Each morning I make sure I lay in bed for at least half an hour just to think. Is that weird? 

Today I did a lot of thinking about my career. Like, am I even going to have one??? Pretty disconcerting when you are getting yourself into $200,000+ debt for it. I guess my concerns are largely based around the fact that what I want to do and the way I want to do it, isn't the popular way. The popular way is to treat people with prescription-like therapy, manualized treatment that completely denies individualization, treatment that focuses solely on the behaviors and thoughts, as if people somehow became robots and lost what it is that makes them human. Rather, I want each person to be themselves. And I want to approach treatment in just that way. No, I can't analyze everyone in the same controlled, research-based format, because no one person is the same. Likewise, I can't suggest that only ten to twelve sessions are going to be the solution. Wanna know why? Because it didn't take ten to twelve 50-minute increments to fuck a person up! But I digress. 

Because the popular treatments are just as I described above- time and cost efficient- as well as "empirically based", I worry that I will struggle to make a living in the future. In an economy that is headed south of the shithole border, where therapy is considered a luxury for those who can afford it, will I even be able to be the therapist I want to be?? Sigh. 

Not to mention I feel like I have absolutely no idea what it is that I want to do. Of course things interest me. In fact, many things interest me. But I feel like I have yet to discover which specific area is my passion. The thing that I will research day and night. The thing that I will enjoy wrapping my head around and envision ways of contributing to making that thing better. Time is a ticking so I better figure it out soon. Another sigh. 

But who am I kidding? The apocalypse will wipe us all out before then anyway... ;)

The Crash

And sometimes the only thing you can do 

Is just breathe

In the wise words of JT... what goes around comes around, comes all the way back around...

To be honest, I don't know who I pissed off. But it must have been somebody real important because the karma gods have shunned me to the max. 

Now, okay, I get that I am a rather stubborn person. Probably to the point that I'm just plain hard headed. You would think that when materialistic items or monetary value become involved, my inability to learn from mistakes would be decreased... but nope. I would almost go so far as to say that 3-year-olds learn faster than I do. So anyway, not even a week into living in the city and I have: 

1.) Locked keys in trunk- $145

2.) Stubbornly parked in front of a fire hydrant only to be rendered car-less- $165 (with car still stuck in tow lot) 

3.) well I guess # 3 hasn't quite happened yet. But as everyone knows, bad things happen in three's so I shall be on the look out. 

Regardless though, I tried my hardest to see the positive in these things and I have chosen to view my expensive mishaps as my donation to the shitty economy. What goes around, comes around. And hopefully $300 something dollars will be coming my way shortly. Not to mention, I couldn't have picked a more beautiful weekend to explore my public transportation options. Found some lovely fabric to upgrade my dog's oversized chair and have been visiting the local happy hours (probably to an inappropriate extent). 

Today I thoroughly enjoyed the 70 degree weather and cloudless sky with some of my fav accomplices. I attempted to expose my country-life dog to the city streets and might have failed a bit. I largely became the eye of people's attention due to the fact that my dog and I nearly weigh the same amount and most of the time, he clearly walks me. Although embarrassing, I think he might be getting a little better. Just have to keep on keepin on I guess. 

So, to keep in line with my new method of evaluating the world: 

Today I learned that I continue to take excessive responsibility for the thoughts and feelings of others. Although this is a very irrational and burdening way to live, I will have to continue to work on accepting the fact that I simply cannot be the sole guardian of everyone else's life. I also learned that curry and I may be able to be friends.

I learned that my dear friend Paul Jr., is one of the most giving people I know. The way he interacts with people is refreshing and admirable. I also learned he has recently become insecure of his fat belly. Ha. 

I also learned that  people are really pretty afraid of big dogs. No shocker there I suppose. 

Unfortunately, I did not meet any strangers today so I can't say that I learned much about anyone else. Guess I'll just have to try harder next time. 

The Giver

There is nothing so loud 

As the silence in your heart

Let me upgrade you

While we’re on the topic of the new and improved me, one of my other goals was to learn four new things everyday. Something about myself. Something about the people I love. Something about the world. And something about a stranger. So although this can be quite the challenge for me at times, I shall try to stick to this on a fairly regular basis. So. Here we go:

Today, I learned that I am far too susceptible to spending money on shoes and shit I just don’t need. Similarly, if I go into a store with a specific item in mind, you can be 99% positive that I’ll walk out with anything but. My anti-capitalism friends would be so ashamed.

Today, I didn’t necessarily learn this but rather, was reminded, that one of my best friends from home is such a wonderful person. Specifically, one thing I re-learned today is how well she can articulate being upset with people. In a way that seems completely natural and healthy, not just bitchy. This, believe it or not, is a skill not everyone has. Myself included.

Today, I learned/noticed how often people just drop things. Like literally, just walk around their apartments dropping shit all over the place. Makes me wonder if it’s just coincidental carelessness or if not dropping things on a daily basis would merely defy some law of gravity. Which begs the question, could one go through an entire day without dropping a single thing?? Hmmmm.

Today, I met one of my neighbors. His name is Jared. He seemed far less than interested to meet me. He’s a gay man who owns some fluff ball excuse of a dog. He recently dropped something.

On a more serious note, I’ve been tangled up in existential thoughts lately. Uncomfortable and lonely thoughts about life, death, and all that’s in between. I have never been so conscious of growing older. Seeing lines gather around my eyes. Crevasses form around my lips from smiles and laughter left long behind. Furrows creeping their way between my brow line, waiting for the day they can mark themselves permanently in a state of seemingly constant anger. And it only gets worse from here! I guess the blanket of falsified invincibility that all youth seems to have, has begun to shed. The realization of my mortality and that of those around me has shoved its way into my life. Like the giant elephant in the room. Except, it’s made itself quite a happy home here and does not plan on leaving any time soon. Talk about depressing. Sheesh. Hence the reason, I suppose, I have begun to take more risks. Engage in life more. Build more relationships. Love stronger and more passionately than ever before. Give more kisses. Have more dreams.  Smile more. Laugh harder. Grudge less, while understanding more. The things they preach to you as children and that you shrug off casually. Those are the things that everyone seems to inevitably give in to.

I tried folding you into me

Packaging you so carefully (FRAGILE, THIS SIDE UP)

Meticulously stitching every detail of you

Sewing you into my dreams.

But I guess I was never good at folding

                …I’ll spend the rest of my life straightening out the wrinkles

And maybe the box I put you in was too small

                (Just. One. More. Shove.)

Undoubtedly, I pulled the thread too tight

                Causing the line I worked so hard on,

 to Unravel.

That by the time I realized you weren’t something to 
        Package
                 Study
                         Fix

Nothing really mattered.

You were already gone.

2/3/11

Out with the Old, In with the New

2011 is a year of changes. And being the slightly egocentric person that I am, I figured starting a blog to detail my every life event and change would naturally be appropriate. (Alright, I suppose it's a little late in the year to start but it falls in line quite well with my procrastination tendencies).

That being said, I am adjusting to my new home in Portland quite well. I largely feel like I was "cheated" out of the last 8 months of my life and getting to experience this city for what it is: Amazing! I would not recommend living in the countryside to anyone but retirees or toothless people who wear "shitkickers" as part of their daily getup. However, in an attempt to work on seeing the positive things in life more, living in the sticks enabled me to be introduced to Oregon by a very caring person with a great heart. And for that, I am very grateful. It also allowed me to discover the things I need in life and consequently, the type of living environment that suits me best; a lesson that is of utmost importance. 

I used to consider myself a pretty pessimistic person; walking around with a shitty attitude and an overall feeling of blahness. I have recently noticed that I have grown in leaps and bounds (that is--psychologically, emotionally, and mentally of course-- Lord knows this 5'0 frame is not getting any bigger!) And noticing changes like that in yourself has got to be one of the best feelings ever. Not only did I take a huge risk and leap of faith by independently moving here in the first place, but I continue to discover things about myself that I don't think would have been possible had I remained in good ol' Colorado.

I have been somewhat of a notorious worrier as of late. Diagnosing myself with Generalized Anxiety Disorder is just an extension of such. I think it sort of comes with the doctoral student territory... (Oh, thanks for voluntarily getting yourself in $200,000 in debt, now here's a heart attack!). In all seriousness, however, I doubt I have GAD. But to become more mindful and involved in the present moment has been one of my recent goals. Worrying constantly does nothing but help you develop wrinkles and ulcers. Neither of which are friends of mine, thank you. So... I am working on being the new, improved me. Someone who can stop and smell the flowers (which are absolutely beautiful here by the way), someone who can fall asleep easy without worrying what is going to happen six months from now, someone who can just...Be.